Sometimes being young ain't all it's cracked up to be

Some of you know  by now that I am 19 month Breast Cancer Survivor.  I don't care how old or how young you are that diagnosis is never easy to hear much less easy to live with.  But I can say that I am in some way thankful for the timing of my diagnosis but there are days that I am like, "Seriously?"  When I was diagnosed, they told me that because I was so young that I would get through all the treatment and bounce from this like it never happened.  UMMMM, those people obviously never had their chest removed then pumped full of poison after that only to find out that it not only kills the cancer cells but it kills everything it touches in your body. 
    What they don't think about is.....

    I was only 31 when I was diagnosed so think about how many years I have to live with the fear of this coming back and having to either go through this again or even worse.  Chemo is the furthest thing from fun that I have ever had.  I can say I would rather try a whole store of skinny jeans before I do that again.  (refer to the previous blog to understand that statement.) As women, we always want to look our best.  And when we are in our 30's we are very obsessed with our looks because we have always been told that it goes downhill after 30 so we strive so hard to "look good for our age".  Which brings me the irony of cancer at a young age.  I mean it takes so much away.  The surgery takes away our sense of feminism and the chemo and all meds take away our hair, our eyelashes and eyebrows.  It's like taking a lion's mane away.  And not to mention in my case I gained about 20 pounds.  Steroids are of the devil.  They mess everything up.  It took me longer to recover from the steroids than it did from the chemo.  I was a mess.  There is no clear thinking to be had when on these medications.
    And now the hot flashes.  Oh my word.  I know every women goes through this whether they have cancer or not, but at age 32 and for the rest of you life.  For those of you don't get what a hot flash does.  Picture it.  You know that feeling you get right before you throw up and then that feeling you get right when someone makes you mad. Combine those two together and think of how that feels to have that about 20+ times a day.  I should not be having to worry about hot flashes...yet.  But I am right in the middle of trying to control them.   
    I was warned in the beginning that fertility may be an issue after having chemo.  But I did not have time to preserve any future hope for that.  When dealing with cancer it's not like you have all the time in the world to sit and ponder what needs to be done.  You have to act quickly.  So yes, I was thrown in "Chemopause".  I had the hot flashes, the mood swings, and everything that comes along with regular menopause.  I was told that if my "regular" life ever came back that it would be a while.  UHHHH, they were wrong about that too.  I got pregnant 6 weeks out of chemo.  And with not just one baby, but yep, it was twins.  We found out while doing the blood work for my reconstruction.  I thought they were crazy.  They checked it twice.  So, we were going to have us some babies.  Or so we thought.  I miscarried at 9 weeks.  We had known since we found out that one of the twins would not make it but we were fighting to keep the other one.  Needless to say there was nothing we could do.  Normally in this case the doctors would give someone in my situation hormones to lower the chance of miscarriage, but that was not possible for me because I was ER+ and PR+.  So no hormones for me.  After a few days of wondering how we would evacuate the baby, I finally began to evacuate on my own, but due to the fear of what the meds had already done to the baby, they feared I would not stop bleeding.  So I had to have a D&C.  They feel the exposure to all the meds I was still taking for treatment just would not allow the baby to develop properly.  And how I have dealt with that, well that is a whole other blog post.  But that is just yet another example of what was taken from me because of Breast Cancer. 
    I also lost my job because of the conditions in which I worked.  I mainly worked in an Urgent-care with a lot of sick people hovering around so with a low immune system, that was just not good medicine.  My employer felt I was obviously replaceable so that is what she did.  I guess that is a blessing of some sort because who wants to work with someone who has that little compassion. 
    I am in no way implying that there is a good age to get cancer.  Whether the person be months old to into their 90's, the diagnosis of cancer is never good as it usually means there will be some suffering.  But I can say that if I had been diagnosed as an older woman I don't feel that some of the tragedies that happened in my journey would have been as difficult to deal with or even happen at all. Most women who are diagnosed with BC are postmenopausal which means dealing with fertility and losing a child from miscarriage is not even an issue.  And treating them for the rest of their life is rarely an issue either.  They don't have to worry about hormone therapy as much. They don't have to consider having a hysterectomy at age 33 just to keep the chances of having another cancer form to show its ugly face.  And having a mastectomy is always a big deal no matter the age but statistically women in their menopausal years, choose not have the reconstruction.  I have to admit.  My reconstruction was not as bad as some stories I have heard.  I came through mine pretty easily.  Though I will say I still do not feel normal and really don't feel I will every be comfortable with them. 
    People of my parent's generation and older always say,"Ah, to be in my thirties again."  And I say, "Ah, to have my thirties...at all."  I have to beg to differ with them.