Hidden Blessings...

So we have all heard the song by Garth Brooks, Unanswered Prayers.  We all know that there have been times in our lives that just wished for something and/or prayed for something so hard and it just did not seem to work out the way we wanted.  But then moments later or even sometimes years we are so glad that we did not get what we wanted then because it opened up the door for what was supposed to happen.  And as humans we are right now kind of people.  We want what we want  when we want it and no one is to stand in our way.  And surely since we want it, it is what God wants too, right?...WRONG!!!!

With my diagnosis, a lot of anger, fear, sadness, and joy came with it.  I have said in the past the statement,"You have cancer." was and is one of the worst things that has ever been said to me.  If only I had known what would come out of it though.  I mean instantly, I thought of death and how my family was going to get by without me.  I was fearing the suffering that I knew was I going to have to endure.  I was already feeling alone even knowing that many women just in that day alone had gotten the same news I had just gotten.  But what I didn't know is that God had already prepared me for that day and many days to come and with all those days to come I was going to find many blessings.

You see, growing up I moved around a lot.  Well to some Army brats, it may not seem to be a lot but to your average Joe, it was a lot.  I hated the fact that I moved around so much.  I thought it was the worst life I could ever had.  I never got to stay in one house.  I never got to stay in the same school.  I never got to keep all my friends.  I hated it.  But what I didn't know is that God was allowing all this bad stuff happen in these moves to prepare me for greater things.  Some good and some bad.  He was closing doors so that others could be opened.

I wouldn't say that I dated a huge amount of guys when I was growing up but I had my fare share of boyfriends.  And as every girl thinks, I thought every one of them was"the one" until one morning I would wake up and not like them so much or they may not like me so much.  Each relationship made me more aware and choosy.  Every time I met a guy I was watching every move he made and sizing him up.  And low and behold, those guys were not what God wanted for me to have in a future husband.  It took God a long time to teach me what I didn't want in a guy, but sooner or later I found him.  I felt like I went through a bunch of duds to find Dan.  All those times I thought I had found "the one", God was standing back with his rod and reel and reeling me right back in.  He showed me all those guys were not the ones for me by dating them and caring for them, it showed me what kind of man I really needed and wanted. 

I can go on for days about all the lessons I learned through life so far but the reason these stick in my mind is because these are a just peek at the tools that helped me beat cancer.  Because my adolescent years were filled with moving vans, for sale signs, and good-bye parties I was blessed with knowing a lot of people and thankfully in today's technology I was able to keep in touch with them or find them when I needed them most.  Friends that I had made along the way either held my hand during diagnosis and through treatment, stayed up late with me when I couldn't sleep and talked to me, or helped me get into one of the most well-known breast care centers in the country in the matter of days.  I honestly don't think that would have happened if I had lived in the same place all my life.  And by dating the guys that I did,  God showed me what I wanted in a mate and God was holding onto to that guy so that we met at just the right time.  Dan and I had been married several years before I was diagnosed.  Our marriage had its ups and downs just like every marriage, but I can honestly say that cancer may be one of the best things that ever happened to our marriage.  It opened our eyes to things that we never thought we would ever be faced with or at least until we were much older.  Cancer forced me to depend on Dan and need him.  It showed him that I could be taken away in an instant which was a lesson he knew all too well but had to be reminded.  There were times that the only person I wanted in the room was him and the only place I felt safe was in his arms.  God knew that Dan was only man that could help get me through this journey.  

I have said many times that I hate cancer and I wish it did not exist.  I am hoping that one day it does not exist and that we no longer need fund raising, awareness material, or education.  (sorry Jaime, I want to put you out of a job)  But what I know know is that I HAD cancer and cancer is not who I am or what I am but it helped form who I am and what I am.  The blessings I received from getting cancer may never have happened if I had never gotten the disease.  I may have never reunited with some old friends.  I may have never made the new, wonderful friends that  have now that I consider part of my family.  I may have never fell back in love with my husband all over again.  I may have never learned to lean on Christ and look to him for strength and guidance.  

God sometimes does not put the blessings in our life in little, pretty packages.  He may not show us the pretty part of every picture, but one thing we can always count on is that in some way we will be blessed in his teachings.  And what we have to remember is that through our Faith, even though we may be down and having trouble seeing the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, we have to know that God is blessing us with the knowledge and the building of strength to take on greater things in the future.  All of the good and bad parts of life are just building blocks.  

I heard this song recently and it literally stopped me in my tracks and brought me to my knees because it so true.  It has become my theme song.  Please listen.  It's called "Blessings"  by Laura Story

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ

May you have a Blessed day and always remember that there is reason for everything and God will never let you fall.

Jeremiah 29:11 NIV For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD , “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Sometimes being young ain't all it's cracked up to be

Some of you know  by now that I am 19 month Breast Cancer Survivor.  I don't care how old or how young you are that diagnosis is never easy to hear much less easy to live with.  But I can say that I am in some way thankful for the timing of my diagnosis but there are days that I am like, "Seriously?"  When I was diagnosed, they told me that because I was so young that I would get through all the treatment and bounce from this like it never happened.  UMMMM, those people obviously never had their chest removed then pumped full of poison after that only to find out that it not only kills the cancer cells but it kills everything it touches in your body. 
    What they don't think about is.....

    I was only 31 when I was diagnosed so think about how many years I have to live with the fear of this coming back and having to either go through this again or even worse.  Chemo is the furthest thing from fun that I have ever had.  I can say I would rather try a whole store of skinny jeans before I do that again.  (refer to the previous blog to understand that statement.) As women, we always want to look our best.  And when we are in our 30's we are very obsessed with our looks because we have always been told that it goes downhill after 30 so we strive so hard to "look good for our age".  Which brings me the irony of cancer at a young age.  I mean it takes so much away.  The surgery takes away our sense of feminism and the chemo and all meds take away our hair, our eyelashes and eyebrows.  It's like taking a lion's mane away.  And not to mention in my case I gained about 20 pounds.  Steroids are of the devil.  They mess everything up.  It took me longer to recover from the steroids than it did from the chemo.  I was a mess.  There is no clear thinking to be had when on these medications.
    And now the hot flashes.  Oh my word.  I know every women goes through this whether they have cancer or not, but at age 32 and for the rest of you life.  For those of you don't get what a hot flash does.  Picture it.  You know that feeling you get right before you throw up and then that feeling you get right when someone makes you mad. Combine those two together and think of how that feels to have that about 20+ times a day.  I should not be having to worry about hot flashes...yet.  But I am right in the middle of trying to control them.   
    I was warned in the beginning that fertility may be an issue after having chemo.  But I did not have time to preserve any future hope for that.  When dealing with cancer it's not like you have all the time in the world to sit and ponder what needs to be done.  You have to act quickly.  So yes, I was thrown in "Chemopause".  I had the hot flashes, the mood swings, and everything that comes along with regular menopause.  I was told that if my "regular" life ever came back that it would be a while.  UHHHH, they were wrong about that too.  I got pregnant 6 weeks out of chemo.  And with not just one baby, but yep, it was twins.  We found out while doing the blood work for my reconstruction.  I thought they were crazy.  They checked it twice.  So, we were going to have us some babies.  Or so we thought.  I miscarried at 9 weeks.  We had known since we found out that one of the twins would not make it but we were fighting to keep the other one.  Needless to say there was nothing we could do.  Normally in this case the doctors would give someone in my situation hormones to lower the chance of miscarriage, but that was not possible for me because I was ER+ and PR+.  So no hormones for me.  After a few days of wondering how we would evacuate the baby, I finally began to evacuate on my own, but due to the fear of what the meds had already done to the baby, they feared I would not stop bleeding.  So I had to have a D&C.  They feel the exposure to all the meds I was still taking for treatment just would not allow the baby to develop properly.  And how I have dealt with that, well that is a whole other blog post.  But that is just yet another example of what was taken from me because of Breast Cancer. 
    I also lost my job because of the conditions in which I worked.  I mainly worked in an Urgent-care with a lot of sick people hovering around so with a low immune system, that was just not good medicine.  My employer felt I was obviously replaceable so that is what she did.  I guess that is a blessing of some sort because who wants to work with someone who has that little compassion. 
    I am in no way implying that there is a good age to get cancer.  Whether the person be months old to into their 90's, the diagnosis of cancer is never good as it usually means there will be some suffering.  But I can say that if I had been diagnosed as an older woman I don't feel that some of the tragedies that happened in my journey would have been as difficult to deal with or even happen at all. Most women who are diagnosed with BC are postmenopausal which means dealing with fertility and losing a child from miscarriage is not even an issue.  And treating them for the rest of their life is rarely an issue either.  They don't have to worry about hormone therapy as much. They don't have to consider having a hysterectomy at age 33 just to keep the chances of having another cancer form to show its ugly face.  And having a mastectomy is always a big deal no matter the age but statistically women in their menopausal years, choose not have the reconstruction.  I have to admit.  My reconstruction was not as bad as some stories I have heard.  I came through mine pretty easily.  Though I will say I still do not feel normal and really don't feel I will every be comfortable with them. 
    People of my parent's generation and older always say,"Ah, to be in my thirties again."  And I say, "Ah, to have my thirties...at all."  I have to beg to differ with them.  

Skinny jeans...Are you kidding me?

So I have this friend.  Well she is actually like a sister from another mister to me, but she has this figure that I would die for.  Only I am like 4 inches shorter than her and I outweigh her by...a lot.  She is also my fashion consultant.  She tells me to make up my own rules when I am picking out my outfits.  So I was asking her one night about some outfits I could put together because I had gotten some new boots.  They were really cute and I wanted to wear them soon because I was tired of the same ole things I was wearing.  So she told me to get some tights with a long sweater or skirt and then she said it.  She said to get me some skinny jeans.  I laughed so hard.  I read somewhere that you burn a bunch of calories when you laugh.  Needless to say I burned a lot in that conversation.
    I continued to put off that shopping trip until one day I got brave.  With all the snow we have had this winter, my son and I had to get out of the house.  So we did.  We went and had lunch and did some shopping.  We ended our journey in the women's section and what was the first thing I saw?  Yep, skinny jeans.  Well, I started looking at them thinking maybe I could pull this off.  Reese, my 6 year old, was getting a little impatient so I walked away from them and we headed over to his department.  After he was done with his shopping, we ventured back to the women's section.  Yep, right back to the skinny jeans.  As I was looking at the sizes, I was like..."Seriously!"  So after getting the size 16, which is not my normal size, I thought to myself that was ridiculous.  I mean skinny jeans in a size 16.  Isn't that kind of contradicting?  Not to imply that 16 is a huge size, but lets face it.  It ain't skinny.
    But as I looked around, everyone in the store had some on and not that I wanted to be like them but some of the people who were wearing them, well, I thought if they can wear them and get away with it then I can too.  So off to the dressing room we went.  Reese was so thrilled.  I walked to the dressing room and he stomped.  After making it to the dressing room I tried on a few other things first to get up my nerve to try on these so called "skinny jeans".  After deciding on the other items, I started the process.  I say it that way because let me tell you, it was a process.  I start with one leg and could already see this was not going to be pretty and I apologized to Reese in advance for having to see such a sight.  I started with the second leg and after falling into the wall and going head first into Reese's lap and then losing my balance and falling to my knees I was well on my way to getting these jeans on.  I am sure the attendant on the outside thought I was performing an exorcism or something.  At the very least she was probably looking for the number to child services.  So I finally get them on and in a winded voice I said,"There, what do you think, Reese?"  His reply was," Are you really gonna buy those?  Who are those for, Mom?"  Ah the honesty of the a child.  So refreshing. That pretty much told me I did not need to try on anymore.  After laughing my head off and returning them to their home, I walked away from them and returned not only once but twice to look at them again.  So after all that, I bought them anyway.  I cover a lot of the embarrassing places that prove that I should not wear skinny jeans, but I can wear my boots and like I always say it is all about the shoes anyway.
    Case and point just cause it says skinny jeans and just cause everyone in the store is wearing them does not mean you have to buy them. Contrary to popular belief, they don't make everyone look skinny.   And might I add that my friend looks so cute in hers that I hate her for a split second and then I think some day, Julie, some day.

Never say never

So this is my first go around at this.  Ok so maybe it's not for those of you who know me already.  There are a lot of you who will follow this that know me very well and know a lot about me.  And  some of you will know that I have said, I will never blog.  Weeeelllll, never say never.  It is odd how blogging has become such a large part of my life and more importantly saved my life on some occasions. 


Journaling was my thing as a young child.  Ironically I don't know where any of them are right now, but somewhere in a land fill some skunk or raccoon are getting a real chuckle out of all my secrets as a young girl.  I have learned through the writing of my journals that its not a good entry unless you are real and hold nothing back.  So bare with me.  I am about as real as you get.  

I will start out by telling you a bit about myself.  I know this will be a wee bit repetitive for some of you but there are some of you who don't know where a lot of my sarcasm, fear, laughter or faith come from.  Sounds like a train wreck right.  Well, life has happened to me for 33 years now.  I am a daughter of High School football coach so I spent my life moving around the state of Kentucky until College where I stayed for a while.  I am also the wife a construction worker/gospel singer/amazing man.  I am the mother of the most beautiful little boy in this world and he is what makes me smile on those days my face muscles seem to not work.  I am also the stepmother to a wonder stepson/teenager that has made my life very interesting at times.  I am a Christian and proud of it.  I believe in Jesus and I believe he died on a cross to save me from sins, most of which were written in those land fill journals but whatever.  So I am just gonna tell you now, most of life stories will be based on God and what he has done for me lately.  Which brings to me the reason I now "Blog".  I am a 33 year old Breast Cancer survivor.  I have seen things now in my life that most women my age never see for a long time if not ever.  At 31 years of age I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer and then after many opinions and sleepless nights it was recommended that I have a double mastectomy and take 6 treatments of chemo followed by a year of a protein inhibitor called Herceptin.  So for those of you who don't know what that means, I am triple positive.  All receptors that feed Breast Cancer I was positive for.  Yep, I drew the lucky number.  As far as cancer goes, that was the best news I could have at that point in time.  They could treat it easily because they knew what fed the tumors.  They knew what to block.  Now the other good news is that I was only Stage I and my lymph nodes were clear.  I am 19 months out and I am doing fine.  And I plan to stay that way.  

So that is a little about me.  You will hear more about my journey as we get to know each other but for now, I will tell you how JHP~shooting for a cure got started.  Through my journey with cancer I blogged on the Caringbridge website set up families and friends that can keep in touch with loved ones who are sick.  With moving and having family all around, they wanted to know how I was doing.  So that's what I did.  I would update at least every week on my progress or my setbacks.  It became so important to me.  It became my way of telling the world how much cancer had screwed everything up.  But towards the end of the journey, though I still hate cancer and wish I had learned lessons another way, I discovered the cancer had taught me how to live.  It taught me how to love, how to get mad, how let someone know I was scared and needed help.  So yes, there is part of me that is thankful for cancer.  It allowed me to find a hidden talent that I know I had.  And in that discovery I thought no better way to combine my love for photography.  Since my son was born, he has had a camera in his face and I have taken many pictures of his growing up.  Needless to say his life is well documented.  Even down to the first time he sat on the big boy potty.  Yes, I have tons of blackmail pictures.  Anyway, after showing people and them telling I need to start doing it for a living, I thought maybe they were right.  

I did not want to do just the typical business of shooting pictures and selling them to the client.  I wanted it to mean something.  I wanted to make a difference with my work.  So I thought I could combine my want for cancer to come to an end and also show people my passion for the beauty of life.  JHP will donate portions of the final order to any cancer organization.  It's not just about the money to me, but I want my clients to know that I am fighting for them.  I am fighting for their mothers, sisters, daughter, fathers, and sons.  This disease shows no mercy.  It shows no prejudice. It has no age limit.  By taking pictures, not only can I do what I love, but I can help end this disease.  And by blogging about it, I feel it will get my name out there and hopefully raise that much more money for cancer's ultimate exit from this world.

I will say that my life is not all about cancer or photography.  Don't be surprised if someday you get on here and read about me trying on a pair of skinny jeans or literally crawling through the car to get into it because the door latch broke and the guy next to me is looking at me like I am an idiot.   

So never say never.  I said I would never blog because I didn't think I had anything worth blogging about, but I have learned that we all have a voice and we all need to get it out there.  Join me in shooting for a cure and lets not only chat about it, but make it look pretty along the way.